A journal's worth
by Daiyu Amaya
Summary: They think I should write all my memories down, they think that he still infects my mind...oh if they only knew how right they were. A story in which Clint must keep a journal and Loki tries to right his wrongs.
1. Chapter 1

**A journal's worth**

Hello! SO I thought maybe I should try my hand at writing, I meant to work on a different story. But this got stuck into my brain and wouldn't let me write anything else lol

**This skips between Journal entries, memories, and what was currently happening. I decided to separate them even if they were really short, it seemed more logical that way ^_^**

* * *

**December 23rd**

I don't even know why they want me to write every thing out, I don't know why they think it will help me cope with what happened six months ago. therapist had some pretty strange idea of what would help a person out. I've never been much of a writer, I didn't ever really see the point. What could you get across on paper that you couldn't verbally? Why go through the trouble of wasting paper and ink or lead? But they wanted me to write, they said it would help me spill what I couldn't just tell them. I really didn't get what that meant but hey if it will get them off my back its worth it, right?


	2. The memory that haunts

******A journal's worth**

**Chapter two: The memory that haunts**

**(Memory)**

* * *

He stared into green eyes as they pierced him, what was it about them that drew him so much? What was it about this man- this god that made him think of a caged animal?

"Tell me about your friends."

His voice was rough from lack of sleep it seemed, how long had he been awake before going through the tesseracts portal?

"They will hunt you down...they will do anything in their power to stop you."

He chuckled;

"You think so my hawk?"

I nodded, Natasha wouldn't allow someone to just take off on her. Seeing as I had because of this god, she would follow me to the ends of the world before she would let me go. We had been close for so long that it was hard to be apart for any amount of time, we were a pair. You could get one without the other but getting both always worked out better.

"Tasha will hunt me down and take me back."

His lips thinned if that was possible for someone with a slash of rose colored lips, seriously it looked almost if his lips had disappeared.

"Tell me of this Tasha."


	3. Another entry

**Chapter three: another entry**

* * *

**December 24th**

I had my dream again, the one where Loki and I were sitting in a room and he was getting me to tell him every thing I knew. but something was different about it, it was a dream rather than the memory that it came from because not once did loki call me his hawk. Not once had I felt attration to the god, but both happened in the dream...What did it mean? Why couldn't I just get him out of my head? Why couldn't I just go back to being myself without the taint of him?


	4. Innocence

**********A journal's worth**

**( Memory )**

* * *

A scream of pain startled me and forced me to move, entering Loki's chamber I found him withering in his bed, what was happening to him? Another scream broke free from his lips, blood dribbling down his chin. He must have bit his lower lip or something. How did you wake a man trapped in a nightmare? Tasha never shared that trick with me, I knew better than to shake at least...calling out to him might not get him awake. An idea hit me and I slid into bed and wrapped my arms around him, he turned to me like a man drowning. His face smoothed out and so did his breathing, when he was deep in sleep I moved to wipe up the blood still on his face. Staring down at him was strange, he looked so peaceful...so innocent. Why was he doing this? Why would he want to harm others?


	5. Christmas entry

**Chapter five: Christmas entry**

* * *

**December 25**

Its christmas day, the others invited me to go to stark tower for an avengers style christmas dinner. I hadn't gotten back to them on it, my phone had ringed several times over the day and I just didn't have the heart to pick up. I'd been asleep most of today anyhow, what was so grand about christmas anyway? I'd never celebrated after my eleventh birthday... Most people didn't know my past even Tasha, but she knew the most and yet she tried to spend this day with me, I think she must have knocked on my door at some point but I just couldn't feel up to seeing even her...


	6. A surprise visit

**Chapter six: a ****surprise visit**

* * *

"Your friends worry about you."

I froze, that voice...smooth as silk and tinge of humor in the tone. I turned and found myself face to face with Loki;

"What the?"

He frowned, his eyes seemed sorrorw filled but why would that be?

"I'm not here to harm...I was sent back without memories before another mage found me and broke the spell that had made me a harmless midgardian."

Six months he'd been a midgardian? I wondered what would have happened if we had ever crossed before he'd gotten his memories back, and why didn't anyone notice him?

"I want to apologise to you."

I bit my lip, apologise? He had taken control of me...but I had a strange amount of control, he'd asked me once what I needed and I told him as I pulled out my bow that I needed a distraction and a eye...Though he seemed quite pleased to be frigtening us lowly mortals...I saw the video after a bit of fiddling of him taking the mans eye, that little grin of sick pleasure...his eyes told me a different story though;

"Why now? Why couldn't you leave me alone?"

He looked starteled;

"I'm sorry...maybe today wasn't the best. My friend tells me that it's best to get things off your chest before the new year..."

And he was gone. His friend? was the mage that helped him his friend? but he was right it was best to get what you needed said out before the new year. Maybe it was time to join the others then.


	7. Bruce, Tony, Steve, Thor and Natasha

**************A journal's worth**

**A/N: I decided that this story was actually a good idea lol **

**(Entry)**

* * *

**December 26th**

After that visit yesterday I joined the others for christmas dinner, much to my surprise they were all quite happy to see me. Thor ended up joining us as the turkey was being set on the table, Bruce and Tony seemed pretty happy working together as they had been for the last four months, Bruce having to clean up some loose ends before he could join Tony. Apparently Tasha had been vacationing in Hawaii and Steve had been all over the country learning about this new age and sketching every thing, he had a good hand after all. old school but good all the same. I think it was the most fun I'd had in a long time, Tasha surprised me with a gift, and I her. She loved the gun about as much as I loved the new quiver and arrows. The others laughed when they saw our gift exchange, Tony even said that assassins were the easiest people to buy for, all you had to get them was weapons. I think I smiled because Tasha gave me a warm smile before punching me on the arm.


	8. A late gift

**A journal's worth**

**A/N: second entry from the same day, It just kind of came to me.**

**(Entry)**

* * *

**December 26 Entry #2**

Spending Christmas with the rest of the group had really helped me, I got to see how each of them was doing...How well Tasha was with Bruce and he with her. I chuckled when I thought of how he reacted to her after the incident with her on the hellicarrier, he had stuttered and blushed profusely Tony had wondered if maybe Bruce had a crush on her. I wondered that too, it wasn't like he didn't understand us. He knew we had to kill, he knew we had to watch out for him...That it was orders from fury to keep an eye on him so that if the big guy decided to show up we might distract him from normal every day people.

I walked back to my apartment later that night, nearing on midnight. I often didn't turn the lights on until I made sure no one had broken in and lay in wait to kill me when I noticed it. It was a square shadow on my kitchen table, flicking the lights on I frowned at the package as it sat there all innocent looking, it was green papered with a gold ribbon...His colors, but why would any one give me a gift that was in Loki's colors? I noticed the card next to it and flipped it with the tip of my gun, and yes gun. I use more than just a bow and arrows, I was gifted with talent for any weapon. The card had very nice hand writing on it. All it said was Merry Christmas, L. Who the hell was L? Loki? I bit my lip then too hard, cussing and finding my way to the sink to clean the blood from my chin, Did it matter who it was from? It could kill me couldn't it? As it is right now it is sitting there on my table soon, I might just open the damned thing who knows?


	9. A late gift part 2

**************A journal's worth**

**A/N: A late gift part two where it's in the present and in Clint's pov**

* * *

I stared at the package, what could possibly be in the box? It wasn't overly big, maybe the size of those boxes that stores put rings in... I sighed well might as well see what the hell was in the box. I carefully opened the ribbon, and undid the wrapping, smoothing out the wrapping I smiled at the picture of a running fox. I had called him a sly fox once when I was under his control, he still had a sense of humor. The box was white with good hinges, what was inside? A trap?

"Aw fuck it."

I popped open the box and froze, a necklace... it was of a hawk holding a crystal. it wasn't very big and by the looks of it I could very easily tuck it under my clothes and it wouldn't get in my way. I trembled as I reached out for it, what did this mean? Rather what did he mean by this?


	10. Of deep thoughts and missions

**************A journal's worth**

**************A/N:What the blazes have I done now lol**

**************Once more in Clint's P.O.V**

* * *

_Got a secret_  
_Can you keep it?_  
_Swear this one you'll save_  
_Better lock it, in your pocket_  
_Taking this one to the grave_  
_If I show you then I know you_  
_Won't tell what I said_  
_Cause two can keep a secret_  
_If one of them is dead…_

I slapped my damned clock as it went off, when had I set it to radio wake up? My head throbbed, well that might explain that. Last night came to me and I shivered, why was it that the crazy stuff always seemed to happen to me? Getting up I made coffee and some toast before getting the paper. I wondered where Loki and his friend were right now, would he come to visit me again? Would I forgive him?

"You know I don't think I've been able to sneak up on you in a long time."

I jumped at Tasha's voice and gave her a hearty glare;

"Yea but I use to not think deep thoughts."

She snorted;

"Your the king of deep thoughts Clint."

I couldn't help the smile that made it's way to my lips;

"Yea thanks, but what are you doing here anyway?"

She frowned;

"Have you not answered your phone? We've got a mission."

Ah great just what I needed to get rid of the thoughts of _him_.


	11. Of a god and goddess

**A journal's worth**

Eleven: of a god and goddess

* * *

_I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand  
I don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned  
I won't tell anybody, Won't tell anybody  
They wanna push me down, they wanna see you fall down_

**December 27th**

Loki and his friend had come to visit me, it was crazy...His friend was actually his sister, She'd been in Midgard for years, almost a thousand apparently. She looked a lot like him, but she was a sweet woman with so many years of experience, meeting and talking to her was better than talking to those therapist week after week. I hoped to meet her again, to see loki again even though he had hurt me. He was truly trying to fix what he had broken.


	12. The Goddess

**A journal's worth**

twelve: The Goddess

* * *

_I won't tell anybody that you turn the world around_  
_I won't tell anybody that your voice is my favorite sound_  
_I won't tell anybody, Won't tell anybody_  
_They wanna see us fall, they wanna see us fall down_

"Hey there."

She was wearing jeans and a leather jacket this time, I smiled at her;

"Hello Ástridr."

She smiled back at me and nodded;

"So what are you up to here?"

She motioned the bistro we were in before sitting across from me;

"Nothing much, was going to meet Tasha but she's late."

She nodded;

"How are the dreams?"

She had been helping sort through all the pain, all the nightmares.

"Clint?"

I cussed and Ástridr laughed;

"Hey Tasha, um your late."

She was glaring at Ástridr who took it in strides. She moved her chair over so Tasha could sit in another one, which she did quickly;

"And how long have you had a girlfriend?"

I grinned;

"I'm his therapist actually. We kind of ran into each other."

This seemed to make Tasha feel better, I wonder why it would? She knew I didn't tell her everything just as she didn't.


	13. Am I crazy?

**A journal's worth**

Thirteen: Am I crazy?

* * *

_December 30_

_So apparently Tasha likes me, or at least that's what Ástridr thinks...but it's hard because I really like being friends with her, that and I think I already loved someone... and no not Ástridr, she was beautiful but well she wasn't the one I kept thinking about. It was hard falling in love with someone who hurt you, falling in love with a killer. But I myself was a killer...an assassin. Maybe I was going insane?  
_


	14. another meeting

**A journal's worth**

Fourteen: another meeting

* * *

_Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late at night_  
_And, you are your own worst enemy, you'll never win the fight_  
_Just hold onto me, I'll hold onto you_  
_It's you and me up against the world, it's you and me_

I smiled at loki as he walked into sight, he was getting use to Midguardian clothes again, since it had been fake memories of a life on Midguard that had allowed him to ware jeans and a tee. They really did suit him about as much as his armor did, maybe that was just because I liked him so much? This loki was very very different from the one who had controlled me, hurt me, used me...This one I could like, this one wanted acceptance and was getting it through me and Ástridr.

"What are you looking at?"

I jumped realizing I had been staring at Loki for far too long.

"Uh sorry lost in thought."

He snorted, for a prince sometimes he acted a bit un-princely.

"It's almost time to see Ástridr."

I nodded, it was now routine for me to hang out with them during the weekend, the rest of the team seemed to be as cerious as a bag of cats about what I did in my free time.


	15. New years nights nightmare

**A journal's worth**

fifteen: new years nights nightmare

* * *

**January 1st **

So last night was new years and well we all drank too much...and when midnight hit, when it hit I was drunk...drunk and stupid. I kissed him, how could I have done that? what the hell was wrong with me? I shouldn't have done that, he had no reason to want me that way. A mortal, we may have been friends but I didn't mean all that much to him after all! Surly I couldn't.


	16. Loki

**A journal's worth**

**A/N: A little change up, so far we had been seeing Clint's POV and Journal entries but I think this chapter should be loki's lol**

******Sixteen: Loki **

* * *

**Loki's POV**

****I didn't know what was wrong with my hawk but he seemed a little jittery around me, after that kiss on new years. Was it not tradition to kiss the person next to you? Mortals and their confusing behavior! I thought we were getting along, I thought he was understanding me better as I was him...But that kiss seemed to have awoken something inside him, something dark and frightening to him. But I couldn't just let him go, not since I had met him had I been able to forget without someone else's help of course. He had been mine once and I wished for him to be again, only this time with his own mind.

"Clint."

He looked up from his kitchen table. Eyes red and puffy, had he been crying?

"Why do you haunt me?"

I sat down across from him;

"Why do you plague me?"

His eyes widened;

"I...I do?"

I nodded, I felt my lips twitch as I fought the urge to smile;

"Of course...even when I was lost to my memories, I dreamed of you... Dreamed of our time, it scared me when I was just a Midguardian...How strongly I needed you. How strongly I still need you."

He turned red;

"But I'm Mortal...I you we couldn't."

I would lose him in time yes, but why did it matter right now when he was young and still so full of life?

"Why not? We aren't all that different and we both want each other right?"


	17. Of flight

**A journal's worth**

**A/N: Back to Clint!**

**Chapter Seventeen: Of flight**

* * *

Why do you smile  
Like you have told a secret  
Now you're telling lies  
Cause you're the one to keep it  
But no one keeps a secret  
No one keeps a secret  
Why when we do our darkest deeds  
Do we tell?  
They burn in our brains  
Become a living hell  
Cause everyone tells  
Everyone tells…

**January 10th**

Its been awhile hasn't it? I just needed a moment to review all the things that happened lately, Ástridr said I should make a list so here it goes;

One: Loki's arrival/mind control

Two: Tasha banging my head/no more mind control

Three: Loki losing the battle/ therapist telling me to write

Four: The nightmares/ lust?

Five: Loki coming back into my life as a good person/ bringing Ástridr into my life

Six: the kiss

Seven: The confession

So really what does this do for me? Seven different things that had happened in the last seven months. All of it centered around Loki, It was hard to think that he had controlled me and yet lust or attraction or whatever the fuck it was between us. But what would be number eight?


	18. The morbid stone

**A journal's worth**

**Chapter eighteen: The morbid stone**

* * *

There was a saying that I heard as a child; _'You are the master of your own destiny. Use your strengths well. They are the keys to your destiny and your success in life. Once you know yourself and take action to realize your dreams, you can unlock the doors to your own potential.'_ I don't remember who said that or why, but It motivated me. I would be the master of my own destiny, I would use my power to stop people who exploited the weak and killed without mercy. I would be the wolf, and in the end I had become a wolf...A beast that would and could kill without remorse, Then I met Natasha...I chose not to kill her, and we became partners. Just like how I chose to believe that Loki truly wanted to change and that his sister was truly a good influence on him, a good influence on me. Our kiss...our conversation afterwards.

"You seem lost in thought again my Hawk."

I glanced up at Loki;

"Aren't I always?"

He chuckled and sat next to me, thankfully my table was clean. He glanced at my Journal before frowning;

"Its where I keep my thoughts...Ástridr said it would be good to keep it up even after my former therapist gave up on me writing in this thing."

He nodded;

"She has me doing something similar, I don't enjoy it but she said that it would help me get past the darkness."

I understood something at least, He hadn't really meant for thing to get the way they had. He told me of the _Other_, the one that had told him what to do... True he had come to earth and had tried to kill us, or take over. Whatever he had been attempting to do.


End file.
